*Every performance involves a section wherein a majority of the cast, including me, stands frozen on stage for approximately eight and a half minutes. Over the course of 58 performances, this adds up to 8.22 hours. The following is an excerpt from last week’s thought process:
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd FREEZE! Here we go. Helllllooooooo second-balcony EXIT sign. We’ve become chums, you and I – I bet never has anyone spent as much time staring at you as I have – the audience can see my eyes better this way – although I don’t know if anyone in the audience can see my eyes anyway because of these crazy glasses – it’s probably all reflection. Whoa boy – this is going to suck today – my feet are KILLING me. Son of a…OW! I hate these shoes. Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. Seriously – three-inch heels on a raked stage along with huge gaps in the billboard platform which are perfectly great for falling into – whose bright idea was that? They’re awfully cute shoes, though. Wow – what a total “Sex and the City” viewpoint – ‘gee, I’m dying here, but the shoes are cute!’ I can’t believe I got my foot stuck in that billboard crack today – that was sure embarrassing. I wonder if anyone noticed. AUGH – HAND SPASM! Dang-it. I wonder if anyone noticed. Oh, and there goes the feeling from the toes – going, going, going, numb – DAMN. Tomorrow I’m freezing with my feet facing the other direction – maybe that will help – this is seriously going to kill once we unfreeze – I wonder if I’ll even be able to walk without falling over – whoa, what’s that kid doing up there? – don’t look, don’t look, don’t look – oh, he’s just jumping – WHY DID I LOOK? – relax, it was only a couple of feet over and it was so far back, I’m sure my eyes didn’t noticeably move – it’s not like they can see my eyes anyway – or can they? – ITCHY NOSE ITCHY NOSE ITCHY NOSE ITCHY NOSE itchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchy STOP THINKING ABOUT IT itchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchyitchy UM, UM, UM, UM, UM, EDWARD NORTON IN THE ILLUSIONIST SUPER HOT MEXICAN FOOD FOR DINNER SOUNDS GOOD SHOULD STOP AT KOWALSKI’S NO WAIT UNTIL MORNING ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHEN THE CUTE PRODUCE GUY IS THERE okay, no more itching – god, I hate that. Holy Hannah if this damn scene was any longer I would just die – yes, this is the longest freeze known to mankind – maybe this is punishment – maybe this is a director’s way of passively telling us that he hates us – WHIT – WHY DO YOU HATE US? I bet onstage freezes are from some director’s ancient oral history – “if you dislike your actors, choreograph an obscenely long freeze in uncomfortable positions – that’ll show ‘em. And if you can put them in heels and have them on a rake, all the better.” Ohmygod girls, please don’t do any dramatic pausing here, for the LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT GET DRAMATIC AND PAUSEY. Oh. My. God. My. Feet. Are. Dying. It feels like daggers jammed straight up through the balls of my feet up toward my ankles. Dying. Thinkaboutsomethingelsethinkaboutsomethingelsethinkaboutsomethingelse – I should come up with a cool limerick for Rick for tomorrow’s mic-check – he’s gotta be so bored with me by now – “there was a sound guy named Rick” – oh, bad idea – only dirty things rhyme with Rick. No, wait – quick! That’s not dirty! “There was a sound guy named Rick, who needed a mic-check but-quick.” Oh, god, this is stupid. Rick, you’re not getting a limerick buddy – get your yuks from someone else, bucko. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow – My feet feel like they’ve been plunged into a vat of boiling oil. Thinkaboutsomethingelse. Okay, uh, uh, uh, OW, uh-what’s on my to-do list these days? I need to continue getting in shape, maybe I should sign up at the Y again – I really can’t afford it right now, but on the other hand I could certainly take some of my savings and pre-pay for six months – oooh! that might be a good idea! – and I think that if I sign up in January they waive the joiner’s fee – I wonder if that works for people who have already been members – I hate the gym – yes, I love it when I’m there, but it’s the getting there that’s the problem – OH! LUVERNE IS COMING DOWN THE LADDER -WE’RE ALMOST DONE! – SWEET! Don’t look at Luverne don’t look at Luverne don’t look at Luverne don’t look at Luverne GAH! WHY DID I LOOK? I wonder if anyone noticed. Please hurry please hurry please hurry please hurry please hurry I can’t believe Whit made this freeze even longer right before we opened – we would have been unfrozen by now – we would have been unfrozen by now – we would have been unfrozen by now – I wonder if I’ll be able to start walking this time without hanging on to the billboard? OWWWW! I think not…damn. And, and, and, and, HERE IT IS GLORY TO THE HEAVENS WE CAN MOVE – OH MY GOD MY FEET OWWWWWWWWWWW!