Leigha Horton :: Greenroom
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Tomorrow, July 1, at 12 noon, marks the launch of the newly re-designed Minnesota Fringe Festival website. This is a pretty cool thing unto itself, but what makes it even cooler is that along with the launch comes the first ever Fringe Podcast – the same Fringe Podcast for which I make my public debut as the official Voice of the Fringe.

Now this official “Voice” stuff is only an announcer-type gig, not a Carl Rove-type gig – I will not strategize with other hateful mongerish types and feed Cooper specific vocabulary to justify stupid preemptive wars that the Fringe starts in the name of saving poor, oppressed artists from juried festivals. For one thing, Cooper is a genius and doesn’t need anyone to cook up talking points for her; Secondly, war is stupid.

So anyway, within the last few weeks I’ve recorded some of Foster’s beautifully written openings/news tidbits, interviewed about twenty performers, had a Terri Gross/Fresh Air Moment with a super-insightful question about a performer’s relationship with his father, and floundered for the longest five minutes of my life in what I will heretofore call The Worst Interview Ever.

Before three weeks ago, the only people I had ever interviewed were Grandma and Grandpa Horton for a grade-school project on heritage – now I’ve not only administered interviews, I’ve administered them in front of a live audience. While I’m proud, I’m also freaked out – I can’t believe I did that and didn’t completely suck 100 percent of the time. To be fair, I’d give it more of a 40/60 sucking-to-not ratio. Download the podcast tomorrow afternoon and hear for yourself – and just when you start to think, “…hey! – that wasn’t that bad!,” remember the benefits of editing.

An acquaintance of mine just forwarded along the following call from a local casting director:

Casting a NON-UNION spot for ECCO sandals.
One year national and international buyout, pay is $1,500.00 + 20%. They’ll book 2 women, 2 men. We need super athletic, in shape groovy lookin’ guys and gals in their 20s to 30s who can play extreme tag.

Sounds easy? Hah. THE CHALLANGE IS THE SHOE SIZES.
WOMEN: 6, 6.5 US, 37 EURO
MEN: 8, 8.5 US, 41 EURO
These are the ONLY sizes of the sandals that exist.

Cast: Fri 6/17
Callback: Tue 6/21
Shoot: Thur 6/23
(Weather Day; Fri 6/24)

This thing requires a whole new take on the old If the Shoe Fits adage. The sad part is that the literal shoe fits, but the figurative shoe doesn’t. It cracks me up that “THE CHALLENGE” is the shoe size – apparently they think super athletic groovy lookin’ guys and gals who can play extreme tag are a dime a dozen in Minnesota, it’s just those wackjobs with the smaller feet that are slim-pickins. And I would love some enlightenment on the whole “extreme tag” thing. What is that, and does it involve helicopters?

Why this went out to actors is beyond me. Models I could understand, but actors? Note to casting directors: THIS IS MINNESOTA. Minnesotans are known for two things: their support of the arts and their nasty drinking habits. Support of the arts and/or being an artist automatically disqualifies one from the possibility of being “super athletic” – they’re mutually exclusive.

I can’t believe it – I got the part! You are looking at the new female lead, Stephanie Yates, scientific graduate student extraordinaire and love interest of WWII Veteran (don’t be grossed out, it’s set in 1956) and all around sexy mofo, Professor Daniel Jackson, in the Saint Euphoria Pictures film The Monster of Phantom Lake.

Oh, and by the way, I finished reading the script Saturday morning and realized that it’s definitely a throw-back to The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Not Swamp Thing. Well, maybe Swamp Thing, but I just remembered that I’ve never seen Swamp Thing. Anyway, it’s going to be a blast. The script is funny and well written, and the director and producer are smart and geeky-nice – so it’ll be just like working with MoCW or the old Scrimshaw Brothers/Look Ma, No Pants crew. I’m so excited, I’ve been doing the Horton Happy Dance. If you’ve never seen it, that’s probably a good thing because it’s ridiculous. Ask Reid Knuttila, he’ll show you.

I had my film audition on Saturday, and it went pretty well. The biggest challenge of the audition was just getting there – it was clear out in Mahtomedi – so far out there that even Google Maps couldn’t get it quite right. There were two very specific streets (Wildwood Road and this thing that goes by four names: Division St./Century Ave. N./Geneva Avenue N./East County Line Road N.) that I came to discover, after a good 30 minutes of driving around in Mahtomedi, are labeled as County Road numbers instead of their proper given names at major intersections. But only at major intersections. So for all intents and purposes, Wildwood Road is actually County Road 244, and is NOT to be confused with Wildwood Avenue or Old Wildwood Road. Same deal for that freaky road with four names.

By the time I put a few thousand extra miles on my car, clearly convinced that if I could even FIND the place, they’d have to cast me out of sheer awe for my incredible perseverance, I found it. I had a good laugh to myself after the audition when the producer mentioned that their afternoon auditioners were far more regular in showing up than their morning ones. Apparently their 9 am didn’t show, and the others were late. No kidding – If I had a 9 am audition (God help me if I ever do – ick), and I got lost in Mahtomedi, I would truly just say fuck it and go home.

Thanks to the locals of Mahtomedi for their patience and kindness in offering directions. Even if they never mentioned the bizarre Christian Name/County Road # phenomenon.

On Tuesday night I watched my newly acquired DVD of Before Sunset (open letter to the IRS: thanks for the tax write-off!). The first time I saw this movie in the theater, I came out speechless. Few works of art ever cause me to be completely mind-blown – examples include Company C Na Na’s Tyrannous Rex at the 2003 MN Fringe, Before Sunset’s predecessor Before Sunrise, Almodovar’s Habla con Ella, Eric Matthews’ It’s Heavy in Here, any album by Self, etc.) Anyway, Before Sunset not only stuns me to the point of overwhelmed silence because I feel like someone has secretly taped my life and then put it on screen, but also because the acting is so precise. It’s so good it makes me want to weep. The characterizations are so spot-on, so natural, so fresh. The two leads, combined with the script, make this thing flipping indestructible.

This of course leads to the next logical question: when do I get to do this? I tell you, while I really appreciate doing industrials for the big yellow tag which shall remain nameless, or the other association that pesters millions of people via telephone daily, or any number of other well-meaning groups, helping people figure out how to sell cell-phones or pressure people into paying their delinquent bills is not especially gratifying work. It pays beautifully and helps keep food on the table, but doesn’t allow for much, shall we say, interpretation. And seeing as my feature film work is seriously lacking in, well, existence, my chops aren’t what they need to be to even consider auditioning for something as potentially awesome. Even if I could get an audition.

This leads me to share that I have an audition on Saturday for a feature-length film. It’s a low-budget indi deal that’s a throw-back to 50’s horror films along the lines of Swamp Thing. Yes, yes, I realize that this will be highly stylized, and nothing like the naturalistic style of Before Sunset but I also realize that this is as good a starting point as any. This is all, of course, contingent on me getting cast in the first place. I’m in contest for what appears to be a lead female, although I don’t think I’m “beautiful” enough to get the part. I hate it when films advertise for “beautiful” actors. I mean really, what kind of narcissistic jerk responds to something like that? Thank god I didn’t read that description until they placed a revised call – there’s no way in hell I would have responded. Anyway, I’ve had a promising e-mail or two with the director after sending him my headshot and resume, but I’m pretty confident he’s going to change his mind once he sees me.

On top of all that self-consciousness, I have no idea what to do for a monologue (can’t just use one of my stage audition monologues, because the acting style between theater and film is so different). So basically, I’ve got to get my act together before Saturday at 1 pm. Anyone know how to lose 20 pounds and memorize a killer two-minute film monologue in two days?

Yeah, screwed.